"Fan Mail!"

"What?"

"Fan Mail! See! It's a letter from one Osama Bin Laden thanking me for leading his life down the path of eternal righteousness.... hang on... isn't he the one that keeps blowing things up?"

"Yes."

"So, he thinks I'm leading him down a path of righteousness, and he's thanking me, obviously overlooking the fact that I'm going to be pretty peeved that he's blowing up my own creations?"

"Oh sure, NOW you take credit for creation."

"You were supposed to forget that conversation."

"I'm old, but not senile yet."

"You should be a little irritated with this guy too. He's blowing up your believers as well as mine."

"Not to mention all those little creations you were having me take all the credit for..."

"Will you get off already? Fanatics are going to be the ruin of us. It's them turning people off of religion."

"Yes, one does have to question the logic of a being who thinks that destruction will align him with the forces of good and give him a one way ticket to an idyllic afterlife."

"HA! Yes! I love that bit. Sorry, shouldn't laugh really. Wonderful imaginations."

"All things considered, it wouldn't be a bad idea to lessen the number of believers on that particular planet. You've got your believers, how many of them? Over one billion? So you've got over one BILLION people all praying to you at LEAST 5 times a day in 24 different time zones. Several fanatics.. sorry..."

"Quite all right, can't hide from the truth.."

"Right. Several fanatics all blowing up different things at different times. Then of course I have the same problems. I have about 2 billion..."

"2 billion.. really? Twice as many as me?"

"Well, no, not quite twice. maybe add half of what you've got.."

"Seems unfair. My fanatics are always much more charismatic than yours."

"Well that's true, but mine are much more determined to define the world order with religion and force. My Bush is waging war on 2 different countries right now and is eye-balling more."

"True enough. But my Osama is much more of a fanatic than your Bush. And the body count is about the same, and Osama doesn't get a state-funded military. Bush only WISHES he were as tough as Osama! Perhaps if he ditched the stetson for a turban..."

"Yes, but I have the pope, too."

"Ah, damn! I don't have anyone nearly as good as the pope. You really can't beat his hat."

"Well I'm at a loss, really."

"It won't do to have them keep believing this, but there's no way to stop it. At least, not at this point. It's really all just... if you'll excuse the expression... gone to hell in a handbasket."

"Who started this anyway?"

"One of your prehistoric anomalies apparently. Or Moses, depending on the book we're using today."

"MY prehistoric anomalies?? Just MINE?? Suddenly you don't want to lay claim to any part of creation?"

"Don't look at me. You did it in 6 and got to rest a day, I took 8 days, you did it better than me. You can have the credit."

"Good point."

"Of course, there's also the big heavenly fight of the angels with the 'fallen one' and all that nonsense."

"Ah, yes, that's the bit there. Who wrote that?"

"Uh, er, you did."

"We're back to that are we?? I did no such thing. I'm an omniscient all powerful deity with absolutely no time to drop in on one tiny planet to save their souls from their own version of eternal suffering."

"Well, then we're back to a prehistoric anomaly or Moses."

"Too late to take it up with Moses, I guess."

"You could just do another bloody path of destruction..."

"No no, that's the problem, not the solution!"

"Zeus came to visit last week."

"What did he want?"

"He's interested in the re-birth of pagan belief systems and how it may affect his retirement."

"Well it's not like he's got to show up at temple or anything."

"Oh, I know and he knows, he just doesn't want to have to start answering prayers and the like, and he's not sure how he feels about the whole sacrifice thing anymore."

"Yea, that's so last millenium."

"Those were simpler times, though, weren't they? I mean, now it's just a constant barrage of 'oh help me help me!' But back then, if you don't like the weather? Burn some fruit. Worried about the farm? Burn a goat."

"Yea, you kind of let it go to your head with that Abraham/Isiah thing, though."

"Yes, well, we all have things we'd rather not discuss."

"Yes, you have quite a few, though don't you? Rapant flooding, burning, looting.. Angels of death... "

"Right, and like I said... all things I'd rather not... "

"Pillars of salt, death, destruction, mayhem... "

"Yes, thank you, that's quite enough."

"Right. Sorry. You did really turn it around well though. Sheer brilliance with the whole Jesus thing."

"Yes, well, same to you with Mohamed, and he didn't have to die a slow horrible painful death! Really well done."

"Ah, yes, thank you."

"Oh no, thank YOU!"

"Well there's just no room for it"

"Of course there's room for it. It's an ever expanding universe. I saw to that during creation."

"That's not what the book says."

"Well, you can't believe everything you read."

"Fine, but you can't just make a new planet on a whim, there's systems involved you know. You'll screw it up if you try to change the systems now."

"Yea, that 'intelligent design' crap really screwed us over."

"Hard to make miracles with people going on and on about how perfect all the systems are, and that there's just no room for chaos. Oh! The constant NAGGING and BICKERING and..."

"Yes, yes, I know. Which brings us back to our current predicament. We'd like a nice quiet peaceful planet..."

"...But would have to form an entirely new galaxy, which will throw off the entire structure of the known universe - on earth anyway, which would throw systems into imbalance, thereby refuting the theory of intelligent design, and destroying the last vestiges of beliefs in deities on the planet earth."

"Which we don't really care about anyway."

"Right."

"Right."

....

"Well, then."

"You know, if we're talking about a new planet, and new inhabitants..."

"Yea?"

"Well, it's not mandated that we HAVE to have intelligent beings...right?"

"Exactly!"

"Oh, thank you!"

"Oh, no, thank YOU!"